Author: Lauren

Amniocentesis Day had arrived. I was getting nervous. Karen, our caseworker, set up an appointment with the genetic counselor before the procedure. The genetic counselor explained how the amniocentesis results will come back in two waves. Wave one will be the preliminary results which are returned in two or three days. The preliminary results would be reliable and will look at four chromosomes- 13, 18, 21 (Down’s Syndrome), and the sex chromosome- to see if there is a missing, extra, or partial chromosome and to determine the sex of the baby. Wave two was expected to take 1 to 2 weeks to receive and is the full chromosome report. It would help us understand, if there is a diagnosis, if Wayne or I passed this issue on to our baby or if it was an incredibly unfortunately fluke of nature.

The counselor answered several more questions. We were concerned with how we would learn the preliminary and final results. It was a phone call. This made me nervous. What if Wayne was at work? I didn’t want to receive this information alone. She put our minds at ease. We could ask them to call back when Wayne got home. Thank goodness!

After this meeting, we could decline the amniocentesis if we wanted to. We didn’t. It was time to start the procedure which would lead to more waiting.

Basically, an amniocentesis is like having blood work done. A long needle is inserted into the uterus- far away from the baby- and amniotic fluid which contains the baby’s cells is extracted. The procedure is typically a minute or less. I don’t care for watching or knowing a great deal about the medical details especially when the procedure is being performed on me. So I told our doctor, Laura, and Cassie, the technician we worked with last week, I trusted them to do what they needed to do to keep me and our baby safe. I closed my eyes. The needle was inserted- OUCH. My uterus did not like being invaded. I immediately cramped. It was intense. I was trying to stay in my happy place- Hawaii, of course- and giving my best effort to only focus on my breathing while in paradise. After a while my mind wondered to how this was the longest minute in the history of minutes. I was right because actually it had been two minutes. Apparently I have an overly protective uterus (or “uterus of steel” as Laura referred to it). My uterus continued to contract preventing the flow of fluid- the fluid needed to end this icky procedure. I told them I would try harder to relax. Everyone in the room chuckled. I wasn’t going to be able to control my contracting uterus.

Finally, the fluid began to flow. They got just enough to send to the lab for testing. So the one minute procedure turned into 3 of the longest minutes of my life. I sure hope I never have to go through that again.

Now I received my list of recovery tips. I hadn’t thought about recovery. I wasn’t able to pick up anything over 10 pounds, including Madeline, for 24 hours. I had to take it easy as one of the side effects, although the chances are small, is going into labor. We definitely didn’t want that. I would have some cramping and maybe a few contractions (oh, I definitely did!) but otherwise I should be fine.

Since our baby is so tiny, they had a hard time getting all of the measurements they needed last week. They performed another ultrasound centered around the heart. They wanted to see if the heart defects they detected were there and how severe. Our little baby was tiny. And he/she was very active (aka difficult). He/She wouldn’t allow Cassie to get the best pictures of the heart and we were told they would have to try again in three weeks at our next growth ultrasound.

Our doctor than started talking more about the complications and suggested we were dealing with something called Trisomy 18. Or an extra 18^th chromosome. The test would confirm it, but our doctor would be “shocked” if it didn’t come back as Trisomy 18. Oddly enough, hearing one phrase made it feel different rather than hearing the 7 different complications our baby had.

When we had Madeline, we decided not to find out the sex until she was born. Since we weren’t sure what we were dealing with nor how much time we would have with this little one this time around, we decided we needed to know if we were having a son or a daughter. Well, our precious little stinker’s legs were crossed making it almost impossible for Cassie to tell. She had a guess, but that was it. We told her we would wait for the preliminary results of the amniocentesis. We couldn’t handle any more surprises this pregnancy. Cassie completely understood. I’m guessing she was a bit relieved too.

Our long day was over. We went home… to wait.

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This weekend we went apple picking with my family. I was overly excited for this field trip. It was a chance to be distracted and a great activity for Madeline. We were in a place where, God-willing, no one would know us. We could just enjoy the time with Madeline, her cousins, my siblings and parents. It was a mini-escape from all our worries.

On our way to the orchard, we received a call from a friend. She was at our house with food for us. FOOD! I couldn’t remember the last time I had been to the grocery store, a chore I usually don’t enjoy even when my life isn’t in shambles, and we were running low on just about everything. We were thrilled to have something already made in the fridge. We didn’t have to worry about dinner that night. This simple gesture meant the world to us. She filled a need we didn’t even realize we really needed during this time of waiting and uncertainty.

Wayne is also a big St Louis Rams’ fan. He tailgates for every home game. As it turned out, the Rams were away for 3 weekends in a row. Sunday was the first away game. It was so nice to have a break from tailgating preparations so we could just be a family this Sunday. Even though some of the game was painful to watch, we were watching them together and not hosting football fans at our tailgate spot. Family time is always important, but it was especially important now.

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It was now day 2 of Wayne staying home from work. We needed this second day to make decisions about next steps. We told Karen, our caseworker from Mercy, we would call her with a decision by Wednesday. Throughout the last 36 hours we did gut check-ins. Both of us felt like the amniocentesis was the way to go, but we wanted to sleep on it to make sure we really wanted to go that route. We knew there were risks, but they were minimal. And we knew this option gave us the most amount of information- something at this point we were craving.

Two days removed from the day we found out our baby is so sick and our guts were still saying the amniocentesis was the way to go. We decided to listen to our guts. We needed to know exactly what was going on with our precious baby.

We called Karen to let her know our decision. She was very supportive. The procedure was scheduled for the next week.

Once this decision was made, we could breath. There was a huge weight lifted from our shoulders. Now we had to wait for another 5 days. But this gave us a chance to act “normal” for a little while. Although we were unbelievably sad and our hearts literally hurt, we had a plan. We had to wait to implement the plan, but knowing we couldn’t do anything for the time being allowed us to carry on as best we could.

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We were all up early. My first thought: Was yesterday a nightmare? Praying it wasn’t, I realized it was. Yesterday happened. Now we had to carry on yet another day. How are we supposed to do that?

Since we didn’t make it to the wake, we went to a funeral for the father of friends of ours. Madeline was going to spend time at my in-laws while we attended the funeral. I never met the man who passed. I sat in the funeral with tears streaming down my face. Part of me felt guilty since I really didn’t know the deceased. But crying is what I needed. I figured he would understand.

We didn’t think of these things until we were in the situation. It is obvious I am pregnant. Do we discuss this fact with people who didn’t realize we were expecting baby number 2? Do we pretend things are fine since we don’t know exactly what is causing all of our baby’s complications? How in the world am I supposed to actually say the words to people without crying? There are many people out there who are uncomfortable when others cry. I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. Shoot, I don’t like crying in front of others either. So many things to consider… This is our life now.

I was anxious to get back to Madeline after the funeral. We went home and spent the day together. Wayne stayed home from work the rest of the day. We needed to be together. And we took this first full day off from making a decision about next steps.

Sometime that afternoon our OB called us. She had received the results of our ultrasound. She was devastated for us. It was very kind of her to reach out. She answered some of our questions, but she is not a high risk OB. She shared she was happy to continue to be our doctor, however, she has never worked with a pregnancy like ours. So she also gave us an out if we wanted to move to Laura’s care. Another decision to make. They were becoming overwhelming. Is this the beginning of many more decisions to come?

The rest of the day seemed like a blur. We went through the motions but our main concern was keeping things as normal as possible for Madeline. Madeline loved having her mama and dada home.

Eventually, it was time to go to sleep again. We were tired and yet not tired. How are we to sleep when our precious baby is so sick?

Somehow we managed to get a few hours. When we woke up, Wayne and I were talking. We decided we needed to be together another day and we had a decision to make. When we got up, we talked about how we were going to keep ourselves busy for another day. Wayne asked, “Do you want to find another funeral today?” I laughed. I laughed hard. Of course, Wayne made me laugh. It made me feel good. It made me feel normal… for a moment.

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We had our 20 week ultrasound today. At the last minute, I asked my in-laws to watch Madeline during this appointment. From our experience being pregnant with Madeline, we knew this ultrasound tends to take longer and I figured a 17 month old probably would struggle to be entertained for that length of time. I picked Wayne up from work and we went to the hospital. We discussed and agreed we did not want to know the sex of the baby until he/she is born. We were appropriately anxious, but confident everything would turn out just like Madeline’s 20 week ultrasound: “You have a healthy baby, Mr. & Mrs. Turley. Here are your baby’s first pictures. Enjoy your evening.”

While the very sweet ultrasound technician, Cassie, was taking pictures of our baby, we were making small talk with her. At first she was very talkative, but that started to change as the ultrasound progressed. Wayne noticed Cassie had stopped talking and began watching her and the monitor. He saw her wipe her eyes a few times. I continued to make small talk.

Cassie said the baby wasn’t cooperating. She said she was going to give the baby a break and come back in a few minutes. Or, she would send in a colleague to see if her colleague would be able to get the baby to cooperate. I felt this was kind of odd, and not like what we experienced with Madeline, but I wasn’t alarmed. Wayne on the other hand was starting to worry. He kept these thoughts to himself.

Cassie didn’t come back. Rather, a second ultrasound technician entered and had someone with her. The ultrasound technician, Cathy, introduced herself, but not the lady with her. Cathy warned me she uses a lot of gel and pushes much harder than other technicians. She wasn’t kidding! Cathy was very nice, but much less talkative than Cassie. After a little while, Wayne asked, “Is everything OK?” Her response, “Well, we have a few concerns.” Being a technician she couldn’t tell us exactly what was going on, but she also didn’t want to lie to us. I became an emotional mess. Cathy kept saying things like “Everything’s going to be OK” and “We’re going to get through this” and “There’s just a few concerning things.” I think my big reaction took her by surprise. We didn’t know it at the time, but a doctor was also monitoring the ultrasound in the office area. I remember Cathy grabbing my leg as I lay on the table saying, “We will be with you every step of the way.”

The doctor came in. As it turns out, I know her. Our families have known each other since we were little. I had heard she was a high risk OB so I knew I never wanted to see her when it comes to one of my babies. Yet there she was, standing in front of us and we still didn’t really know why. When she walked in she didn’t recognize me right away. She knew my maiden name, but not my married name. She wasn’t expecting to recognize me. I spoke before she could. I said, “Laura. Lauren Bommarito.” Her shoulders dropped as she then knew exactly who I was. She also had a sorrowful look on her face as she knew she was about to crush us. She was right.

Laura sat down. Cassie had come back into the room and was sitting by me rubbing my back and handing me tissues. Wayne and I were holding hands. This is definitely not what happened at Madeline’s 20 week ultrasound.

Laura began to speak to us. Her tone was soft yet concerned. She started with “We have some concerns with your baby.” I don’t remember exactly what was said after that. I do remember hearing issue after issue after issue being listed. “The intestines are on the outside of your baby’s body in a pouch. There is possibly a cyst in your baby’s brain.” The list was long. “There is too much amniotic fluid surrounding the baby. The baby appears to have a left hand deformity.” It just kept going. “Your baby’s cerebellum is underdeveloped. And your baby is measuring about 3 weeks behind the baby’s gestational age.”

Six. Six big issues.

What was most concerning was the combination and quantity of complications. Laura said based on what she saw, our best case scenario, albeit an unlikely one, was down syndrome. More likely, our baby had a chromosome defect which given the number of complications would either result in a miscarriage, a still birth, a short life-span with significant special needs.

This was a lot to take in but Wayne and I both wanted to know what the next steps were. Laura suggested three options:

• Do nothing and wait to find out what we are dealing with when our baby is born.
• Perform an amniocentesis where they would put a needle in to my uterus to withdrawal amniotic fluid. The fluid contains the baby’s cells. They would analyze the baby’s chromosomes from these cells and be able to tell us if we are dealing with a Trisomy diagnosis or not.
• A procedure could be performed to gather placenta blood, but we were cautioned the amniocentesis produced more reliable results.

We didn’t have to decide at that moment. They knew we were overwhelmed and shocked. I wasn’t really sure what to think or do. I couldn’t absorb or process everything we had just heard. I could not stop crying. I’m not usually a big public crier. But, between the horrific and unexpected news we had just received and the pregnancy hormones I didn’t have a chance at keeping it all in.

Throughout all of this, I couldn’t stop thinking about Madeline. As Laura shared more and more information with us and I became more and more upset, I couldn’t stop thinking about our sweet little girl. How can I be a good mom during all of this? Madeline deserves to have a happy home life even though we are devastated and heartbroken. How am I to insure she gets that? How am I going to have the energy to meet her needs? How am I going to have the energy to have our dance parties and tickle sessions?

A new lady entered the room named Karen. She told us what she would be responsible for which I equated to being similar to a social worker. She said she’d set up our appointments, be available day or night if we have questions or concerns, and check-in with us throughout this to make sure we are doing alright emotionally. She, too, was compassionate and caring. We were surrounded by love.

With our new support team’s help, we decided this was enough for one day. We would be in touch with Karen regarding our decision on next steps. But for now, it was time to go. We were ready to leave. We asked if we could avoid passing through the waiting room on our way out. We weren’t interested in scaring the people waiting with our devastated faces. We left through a back exit. We left the hospital to go home and began talking about how to share this horrific new with our families and eventually our friends.

Wayne originally planned to go back to work, but just went to grab his things and leave. We agreed he would follow me home as I was determined to drive. He also called our immediate families to tell them the ultrasound revealed some significant challenges.

When we got home we walked into the house together. Madeline was glad to see us. She gave us big hugs… exactly what we needed. She asked to eat. I jumped right into action getting her dinner. This gave me the confidence and reassurance that I could take care of her even though I was devastated. She became my focus. A focus I desperately needed.

My in-laws could see on our faces that something wasn’t right. We shared everything we could. The look on their faces was pure shock. My mother-in-law gave me a hug. I broke down. This frightened Madeline. We explained to her “Mommy is Ok. Sometimes I get sad like you do. But I’ll be OK.” She seemed to understand as she turned around and began to play again.

Wayne and I had a wake to attend for two friends’ father that evening so after my in-laws left, we started to discuss the logistics of attending the wake. I also wanted to see my parents. We decided to go to the wake and and ask my parents to come over afterwards. As we were getting ready to go to the wake, there was a knock on the door. It was my parents. They needed to see us as well. My sisters showed up a little bit later.  My in-laws came back over as well. It was nice for all of us to be together. Wayne continued making phone calls to our closest friends. We didn’t make it to the wake.

Madeline knew something was up. She became very still and just watched as all of the adults sat around digesting this horrific news. She sat on my sister Molly’s lap. Molly continued to reassure her throughout the evening. It’s amazing to me how perceptive Madeline is at such a young age. She knew it was time to sit like everyone else even though she is a very energetic 17 month-old.

Eventually it was time for Madeline to go to bed. She went to bed like a champ. Everyone was there to give her goodnight hugs and kisses- exactly what everyone needed.

Our family left a little while later. Then it was just us. In some ways we were exhausted. In other ways, we couldn’t sleep.

We got into bed. I know we slept a little bit, but around 3am, we were abruptly awaken to Madeline crying/screaming. This was extremely unusual. Both of us jumped out of bed and were practically running into each other to get to Madeline as quickly as possible. We brought Madeline into bed with us. She was fine, but wide awake now. We were up for 2 hours snuggling. Madeline was being silly and making us laugh. This healthy dose of humor and hearing those sweet baby girl giggles was a perfect distraction from replaying our terrible day over and over throughout the night. When we started to get sleepy, Wayne and I began “fighting” over who got to hold Madeline. Before we all fell asleep, Wayne was hugging her abdomen and I had her legs- a perfect compromise. Poor Madeline was a trooper even though it was rather strange to be “restrained” by your parents when all you want to do is sleep. Finally, we were all asleep. Maybe when we wake up this nightmare will be over… it wasn’t.

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We took a family trip to California. It was Madeline’s first time on an airplane. She did a fantastic job. She was a wee bit restless but not bad for a 17 month old. We brought chocolate in little bags to hand out to passengers near us as a peace offering since we had no idea what to expect from her. We attached a little note as well which read,

“Hello. My name is Madeline. This is my first time flying. My parents are going to do everything in their power to keep me entertained and happy. But just in case, here is some chocolate for you. Mama always says, ‘Everything is better with a little chocolate.’ Enjoy your flight! ~Madeline”

These peace offerings were a huge hit. In fact, one little kid gave Madeline a high five at the end of the flight because she did such a great job. It was really sweet!

The first part of our trip was spent in San Diego. We attended a Cardinals vs Padres game with many family members. The Cardinals won which was great since we’re from St. Louis. We spent a day on Coronado Island exploring and playing on the beach. We attended the beautiful wedding of my cousin and his wife. We had a great time celebrating a lovely couple. And we toured the USS Midway, an aircraft carrier. This first leg of the trip was jammed packed with fun and a trip of firsts for miss Madeline- first flight, first Cardinals’ game, first aircraft carrier, and first time at the beach!

After we left San Diego, we then spent one night in wine country. The resort where we stayed was nice and quiet on a golf course. As much fun as we had with family in San Diego, it was nice to be the three of us with no schedule. Although I couldn’t partake since I’m pregnant, we decided to go to a lovely little winery run by a very nice couple with a beautiful view of the countryside. We had the place all to ourselves. We even shipped a few bottles home so I can partake after baby #2 arrives in February.

Finally, we spent a few days with my aunt, uncle and cousins who live in Dana Point. We hadn’t seen their home in southern California so it was nice to see them in their habitat- and what a lovely habitat it is! As an added bonus, some of Wayne’s next door neighbors growing up, whom he adores, lived close to the area so he got to catch up with them one afternoon. We enjoyed playing at the beach, swimming, taking walks, and shopping in Laguna Beach. We do not get to see this side of the family often it was nice to have them all to ourselves. And, it was extra special they got to know Madeline so well.

There were so many reasons why this trip was great fun. We made many memories together as a family and we have a ton of pictures to prove it. But, what made me most happy was to have Wayne all to ourselves. He works so hard to provide for our family day in and day out. But every hard worker needs a break and we hadn’t had a lengthy vacation in 3 years. I’m so glad we were able to make that happen for our family but especially for Wayne.

The summer was winding down a few weeks after we returned home. We enjoyed the last few days of summer. I continued to grow at a rapid pace. But, hey, I was having baby number two so I figured my body knew what it was doing.

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Hearing your little baby’s heartbeat is such a wonderful sound. Knowing that baby is doing well inside is so comforting. Wayne and I like this reassurance before we tell the world we are expecting.

Let me clarify, we did share with our immediate families we were expecting number 2 right away. There was no way we could keep this news from them. As it turned out, almost all of them guessed what was going on before we had a chance to officially tell them. They know us way too well for secrets!

Now that we know baby is doing great it’s time to let the rest of our family and friends in on our little secret. After the doctor’s appointment, Madeline was having an extra cute day. I took some pictures of her analyzing the ultrasound pictures- her brother or sister’s very first photos! She wasn’t all that impressed. She took one look and threw the pictures on the ground. She had no interested in the ultrasound pictures after that. Hopefully, this isn’t a sign of things to come!

We let Madeline share her Big Sister Promotion news in picture form. We sent an email to family and friends and let Madeline do the rest. Of course, people were excited for us. There’s nothing like telling those you love that a baby is on his/her way!

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We had our first OB appointment for this pregnancy. We were excited to hear our baby’s heartbeat -or maybe babies’ heartbeats. Wayne had it in his head, and it was starting to creep into mine, that we were having twins. They do run in the family. So the question was, how many heartbeats were we going to hear?

Madeline came with us to the appointment. We thought it would be a fun family event we would remember forever. Madeline made sure of that!

I was lying on the examination table with gel and the ultrasound wand on my belly looking at the monitor. Madeline was sitting on Wayne’s lap. I could see she was fidgeting. She was behaving almost nervous or worried. I told Wayne I thought she might be concerned by something. As soon as I spoke up, she began to cry and reached for me. She was having a complete meltdown. Turns out, she was worried about what the doctor was doing to me. It didn’t even occur to us to explain to her what was about to happen to mommy. She is only 15 months old. We aren’t used to having to explain everything yet. She was so upset Wayne gave her to me. I held her across my chest and she had a death grip around my neck. The doctor continued the search for our baby’s (babies’) heartbeat(s) while Madeline calmed down.

Despite the unexpected ruckus, we heard it. Our precious baby’s heartbeat- 152 beats per minute. The twin theory was just that a theory. Madeline became quite curious about that sweet sound when she heard it. She looked toward the monitor. Maybe she recognized it from her days in the womb? Regardless, Wayne and I both let out deep breaths. Our baby’s heart tones were strong. Things were looking and sounding great. What a relief!

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Last night Wayne and I were sitting on our back patio enjoying some wine by the fire pit after a long work week. Our 15 month old daughter, Madeline, was asleep. I sipped my wine. It just didn’t taste that great to me which was strange. I am a fan of red wine. The last time an alcoholic beverage didn’t taste great I was pregnant. Could it be? No. Well, maybe. Now I was curious. I remembered I had a pregnancy test in the closet. Trying to remain calm, I said goodnight to Wayne and wondered inside. I located the test and took it. Then I waited. I was prepared for a “long” wait, but that wasn’t the case. PREGNANT appeared on the test quite quickly. I had two emotions- pure joy and a little bit of anxiety. Can I handle a second baby? How will I function on little sleep caring for an infant and a toddler? Will this baby be Madeline’s sister or brother? Madeline adores babies, but how will the transition go when this baby is here to stay? How can I love this baby as much as I love our sweet Madeline? When am I due? Probably around February- oh my gosh, they will be exactly two years apart! How fantastic! Oh my, I will have two kids two and younger. Other people do this and survive, right? How is Wayne going to take this news?

I wondered back outside with a goofy grin on my face and wide eyes while my mind was working overtime. Wayne looked up and joked, “What, you aren’t pregnant, are you?”How in the world did he know? I hadn’t let on about my suspicions. I just shook my head YES – still grinning – and showed him the test. Wayne’s eyes got huge. He smiled, leaned back in his chair, sipped his wine and shook his head in disbelief. He, too, was excited about another bambino on the way. Being Mr. Analytical his mind quickly shifted to logistics: Can we afford a second child? Where are we going to put our second baby in our two bedroom home? Can we afford to move? I could see his wheels turning. I rushed over to him and hugged him. We decided just to be excited for now. We could figure out the logistics later. We were having another baby!

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